so, lately ive realised that over the past year i seem to have slipped into a weird realm of consciousness. i really dont like it. its like, everything in life just seems really strange and almost alien. like, all things in life that used to be normal.. dont make sense. I mean, how the hell can we all be here? why are we here? we don't exist one minute, then we're born the next.. we live a life.. then we die and do't exist anymore. People in our life are here one minute, then gone the next. How is it we all look the way we do. I mean, how the fuck can we just evolve into these 'ultimate' beings? Why am i so conscious of everything, myself, the world around me, other peoples thoughts and feelings? I have these memories of when i was a kid, when i was at school.. but wait, now i'm almost 24? How did that happen? I feel so detached from myself. Who the fuck am i?
On top of this feeling, whatever it is, i just feel this overwhelming sense of.. 'whats the point?'. You know? I don't want to come across as this person who's lost the will to live and is just feeling sorry for themself etc because its not like that and the whole point im trying to make is that all i want is to feel alive.
I don't WANT to feel this way. I know i'm lucky to be alive, in good physical health, still relatively young, have enough money to support myself and put a roof over my head. I could be on the other side of the world, homeless, hungry, dying. But for some reason i just have this continuous stream of negative thoughts clouding over me.. and its frustratin the fuck out of me. I just want to be normal. i don't want to have this perspective on life that noone else seems to have. I want to be naaive to it.
Because i feel like my life is just disappearing before my eyes and as i do things and time goes by, i feel more detached from myself and the things i've done. Its a very strange way of thinking and a peculiar feeling which im finding quite difficult to explain. Its almost like.. i was pulled out of my life when i was 18 or something.. and have been dropped back here now. I've suddenly landed here at 23 with these vague memories that i KNOW are mine.. but don't feel like mine... and am like.. what the hell? How did i get here?
I hope i can get myself out of this because i dont want to still have this feeling when im older. Because that would really fucking suck.
I think maybe my lifestyle at the moment may be feeding this. I've gone from having a pretty active and social lifestyle.. to suddenly being pretty cut off from the world, friends etc. After university finished, i went traveling for 6 months in oz, did so much stuff met so many people.. then went to america to tour and record an album with a wonderful musician... then when i come back.. i move back to the place where i went to university... most of my friends had gone back to their hometowns and lost contact.. but a couple are still around. I move into a 2 bed place with one of them.. who i end up hardly seeing because of his devotion to work and ladyfriend... i realise after a while we're not really on the same wavelength and friendship becomes a chore.
Most other people i meet through him, but are all a little bit older so i find it difficult to be around them. I have a couple of other friends who i get on better with.. but dont get to see them that often. I recently fell out with one of my good friends.. and can't really see that one righting itself.
So basically i just feel like im stuck in a rut. I want to get out of here.. but anywhere i go i'll be starting from scratch again. I could stick to my original plan and go travelling again.. but then am i just gonna be lumbered with the same situation when i return home ???
Monday, 28 April 2008
Friday, 25 April 2008
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
right or wrong?
which one belongs to me this time?
if only i just knew these things
maybe i'd have a better angle.
where does one find so much faith in themself?
im sick to death of being told im wrong.
maybe i'm actually right?
maybe i just have to believe that.
but then isn't that just arrogance?
which brings me back to square one.
this isn't a poem, i just hit a new line after each thought.
if only i just knew these things
maybe i'd have a better angle.
where does one find so much faith in themself?
im sick to death of being told im wrong.
maybe i'm actually right?
maybe i just have to believe that.
but then isn't that just arrogance?
which brings me back to square one.
this isn't a poem, i just hit a new line after each thought.
Sunday, 6 April 2008
so detached.
Sometimes it's like you're starting all over again; You're not who were anymore, a line's been drawn and there's nothing holding then and now together. So it feels like you have to start from scratch.
What do you do? What do you become?
What do you do? What do you become?
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
overwhelmed
hmm.
it's surprising sometimes how there can be so much going on in your head, your emotions are all over the place, not knowing where to settle themselves.. feeling overwhelmed with the result of too much thinking about.. well, everything.. and yet, you try to write about it and you draw a blank. You'd think it would be the perfect time to write a song or poetry or even just try and write down what you're thinking. But somewhere between my mind and pencil.. something gets lost. Its like when you try to remember something that you forgot.. there's just nothing there but blank space.
I guess in someways i don't want to share everything in my head on here.. which makes it harder to write. Maybe i could just be vague?
I don't know. Ahh.
I tried to start writing then and all these thoughts just piled to the front of my mind like 50 school kids in a classroom going "ooh me me me! pick me! pick me!"
Where do i start?
Ok well. Lets start with this one. Recently, i read a post in a blog that talked about being content with feeling sadness. ( :o) ) Reading it reminded me of .. me. I go through these periods sometimes (maybe more than sometimes..) where i just feel.. sad. For whatever reason. And.. in weird kinda way, it feels like i sorta like it. I'll have some alone time, listen to some sad music that i can really connect with.. and just sorta ride it out. I guess i like to listen and [try to] understand whats going on in my head. It seems a lot of people don't do that, they might just stick on some happy music or do something to get themselves out of the sad rut. I do it. But sometimes i feel like i dont want to ignore it.. you know? I've wondered myself whether I have clinical depression. A lot of websites seem to think i have.. ha ha.
But, i'm not so sure. I mean, as far back as i can remember i've always been a thinker. I like that i'm a thinker. But i think sometimes it can expose you to sadness spurts. I don't know.. maybe your mind just gets overwhelmed with all the thinking and just thinks.. jeez, there's so much shit in the world. Ya know? But then maybe that only happens if you're a pessimist? Maybe if you're an optimist and a thinker, your mind goes into hyper-happiness spurts from all the thinking and puts you into overdrive.. thinking "jeez.. life is great!". Well, i'm an optimistic pessimist.
The only thing i will say though, about thinking too much.. is that it seems to have this weird side effect which i've been aware of for a while now.. and thats feeling quite detached from 'reality'. Its a horrible feeling. And apparently it is basically a result of thinking too much. Your mind gets tired and slows down giving you a bit of a dreamy experience of life. And the worst part is, the more you try to think and understand it, the worse it gets. So i'm screwed!
I don't know. This is who i am, you know? I like to think. I just wish i could write in a way that really describes my thoughts. I feel i have some interesting perspectives on life, hiding away. If only i could find a way to communicate them.
Anyway. long post. Not sure what else to write at the moment so i will leave it there.
I can't wait to sleep tonight.
it's surprising sometimes how there can be so much going on in your head, your emotions are all over the place, not knowing where to settle themselves.. feeling overwhelmed with the result of too much thinking about.. well, everything.. and yet, you try to write about it and you draw a blank. You'd think it would be the perfect time to write a song or poetry or even just try and write down what you're thinking. But somewhere between my mind and pencil.. something gets lost. Its like when you try to remember something that you forgot.. there's just nothing there but blank space.
I guess in someways i don't want to share everything in my head on here.. which makes it harder to write. Maybe i could just be vague?
I don't know. Ahh.
I tried to start writing then and all these thoughts just piled to the front of my mind like 50 school kids in a classroom going "ooh me me me! pick me! pick me!"
Where do i start?
Ok well. Lets start with this one. Recently, i read a post in a blog that talked about being content with feeling sadness. ( :o) ) Reading it reminded me of .. me. I go through these periods sometimes (maybe more than sometimes..) where i just feel.. sad. For whatever reason. And.. in weird kinda way, it feels like i sorta like it. I'll have some alone time, listen to some sad music that i can really connect with.. and just sorta ride it out. I guess i like to listen and [try to] understand whats going on in my head. It seems a lot of people don't do that, they might just stick on some happy music or do something to get themselves out of the sad rut. I do it. But sometimes i feel like i dont want to ignore it.. you know? I've wondered myself whether I have clinical depression. A lot of websites seem to think i have.. ha ha.
But, i'm not so sure. I mean, as far back as i can remember i've always been a thinker. I like that i'm a thinker. But i think sometimes it can expose you to sadness spurts. I don't know.. maybe your mind just gets overwhelmed with all the thinking and just thinks.. jeez, there's so much shit in the world. Ya know? But then maybe that only happens if you're a pessimist? Maybe if you're an optimist and a thinker, your mind goes into hyper-happiness spurts from all the thinking and puts you into overdrive.. thinking "jeez.. life is great!". Well, i'm an optimistic pessimist.
The only thing i will say though, about thinking too much.. is that it seems to have this weird side effect which i've been aware of for a while now.. and thats feeling quite detached from 'reality'. Its a horrible feeling. And apparently it is basically a result of thinking too much. Your mind gets tired and slows down giving you a bit of a dreamy experience of life. And the worst part is, the more you try to think and understand it, the worse it gets. So i'm screwed!
I don't know. This is who i am, you know? I like to think. I just wish i could write in a way that really describes my thoughts. I feel i have some interesting perspectives on life, hiding away. If only i could find a way to communicate them.
Anyway. long post. Not sure what else to write at the moment so i will leave it there.
I can't wait to sleep tonight.
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
unknown
have you ever felt like you don't know how you feel?
tonight i feel like.. anxious.. or something. but i've no idea what about. its quite confusing.
tonight i feel like.. anxious.. or something. but i've no idea what about. its quite confusing.
photos
sometimes i have a strange imagination. and explaining it is like [insert simile here].
sometimes i think about how whenever someone takes a photo, they are capturing a whole second of time.. and everything in existance in that exact one second. everything, locked into a pause.. forever. But we can only see one little squared frame of that second of existance.
sometimes i think about how whenever someone takes a photo, they are capturing a whole second of time.. and everything in existance in that exact one second. everything, locked into a pause.. forever. But we can only see one little squared frame of that second of existance.
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