so, lately ive realised that over the past year i seem to have slipped into a weird realm of consciousness. i really dont like it. its like, everything in life just seems really strange and almost alien. like, all things in life that used to be normal.. dont make sense. I mean, how the hell can we all be here? why are we here? we don't exist one minute, then we're born the next.. we live a life.. then we die and do't exist anymore. People in our life are here one minute, then gone the next. How is it we all look the way we do. I mean, how the fuck can we just evolve into these 'ultimate' beings? Why am i so conscious of everything, myself, the world around me, other peoples thoughts and feelings? I have these memories of when i was a kid, when i was at school.. but wait, now i'm almost 24? How did that happen? I feel so detached from myself. Who the fuck am i?
On top of this feeling, whatever it is, i just feel this overwhelming sense of.. 'whats the point?'. You know? I don't want to come across as this person who's lost the will to live and is just feeling sorry for themself etc because its not like that and the whole point im trying to make is that all i want is to feel alive.
I don't WANT to feel this way. I know i'm lucky to be alive, in good physical health, still relatively young, have enough money to support myself and put a roof over my head. I could be on the other side of the world, homeless, hungry, dying. But for some reason i just have this continuous stream of negative thoughts clouding over me.. and its frustratin the fuck out of me. I just want to be normal. i don't want to have this perspective on life that noone else seems to have. I want to be naaive to it.
Because i feel like my life is just disappearing before my eyes and as i do things and time goes by, i feel more detached from myself and the things i've done. Its a very strange way of thinking and a peculiar feeling which im finding quite difficult to explain. Its almost like.. i was pulled out of my life when i was 18 or something.. and have been dropped back here now. I've suddenly landed here at 23 with these vague memories that i KNOW are mine.. but don't feel like mine... and am like.. what the hell? How did i get here?
I hope i can get myself out of this because i dont want to still have this feeling when im older. Because that would really fucking suck.
I think maybe my lifestyle at the moment may be feeding this. I've gone from having a pretty active and social lifestyle.. to suddenly being pretty cut off from the world, friends etc. After university finished, i went traveling for 6 months in oz, did so much stuff met so many people.. then went to america to tour and record an album with a wonderful musician... then when i come back.. i move back to the place where i went to university... most of my friends had gone back to their hometowns and lost contact.. but a couple are still around. I move into a 2 bed place with one of them.. who i end up hardly seeing because of his devotion to work and ladyfriend... i realise after a while we're not really on the same wavelength and friendship becomes a chore.
Most other people i meet through him, but are all a little bit older so i find it difficult to be around them. I have a couple of other friends who i get on better with.. but dont get to see them that often. I recently fell out with one of my good friends.. and can't really see that one righting itself.
So basically i just feel like im stuck in a rut. I want to get out of here.. but anywhere i go i'll be starting from scratch again. I could stick to my original plan and go travelling again.. but then am i just gonna be lumbered with the same situation when i return home ???
1 comment:
hey there!
long time, hasn't it?
how are you? i see you and i have not posted in a while. :-P
life is interesting isn't it? it's one of my greatest fears in life to look back on my life when i'm an old, old lady; and regret not living my days more fully (especially w/ having youth and health on my side). i'm right there with you on your social status. i moved away from home for about a year and half. i was only one state over (only about a 40 minute drive away). it was a great experience- living on my own and stepping away from my hometown for a bit was refreshing. now that i'm back home, i have days i want to hang out friends, but i sit at home thinkin of who to call, and no one comes to mind. it's pretty depressing, haha. (i don't know why i'm laughing). :-P i'm thankful i have my boyfriend who i connect with on a very deep level. but it's sad when i wish i had friends there to share with. i find my friends are sort of scattered. one here, another there. i don't really have that "circle of friends". i guess i've always been that way tho. i've always known a lot of people, but never had a close knit group of friends. eh, i feel like i'm blabbing now..
again, it is a shame we've got such a large pond between us. it'd be great to grab a beer and chat the night away with you!
i can tell you have a great sense of awareness of life. it's better to know than to go through life oblivious. although (i agree it'd be much easier), we'd have no substance if we just rummaged through life without ever being aware of our existence, or atleast questioning it. so i think it's great! please don't become bitter and overwhelmed. hold on that that hope. it breaks my heart so much when i see people's hopes die. (it's hard because i see it in my family a lot of times). keep being you, and when questions pose in your head, just be aware of it and continue on, instead of trying to know the answer so much. i overwhelm myself too much sometimes. haha. so i get you. ;-)
anyhoo~ if you do ever decide to travel again. make sure to stop by Centreville, Virginia and say hello! haha... jk, Centreville is so boring, don't come here!
so, i really just wanted to say "hi" and hope you're doing okay. :-)
Amanda
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