overwhelmed

hmm.

it's surprising sometimes how there can be so much going on in your head, your emotions are all over the place, not knowing where to settle themselves.. feeling overwhelmed with the result of too much thinking about.. well, everything.. and yet, you try to write about it and you draw a blank. You'd think it would be the perfect time to write a song or poetry or even just try and write down what you're thinking. But somewhere between my mind and pencil.. something gets lost. Its like when you try to remember something that you forgot.. there's just nothing there but blank space.

I guess in someways i don't want to share everything in my head on here.. which makes it harder to write. Maybe i could just be vague?

I don't know. Ahh.

I tried to start writing then and all these thoughts just piled to the front of my mind like 50 school kids in a classroom going "ooh me me me! pick me! pick me!"

Where do i start?

Ok well. Lets start with this one. Recently, i read a post in a blog that talked about being content with feeling sadness. ( :o) ) Reading it reminded me of .. me. I go through these periods sometimes (maybe more than sometimes..) where i just feel.. sad. For whatever reason. And.. in weird kinda way, it feels like i sorta like it. I'll have some alone time, listen to some sad music that i can really connect with.. and just sorta ride it out. I guess i like to listen and [try to] understand whats going on in my head. It seems a lot of people don't do that, they might just stick on some happy music or do something to get themselves out of the sad rut. I do it. But sometimes i feel like i dont want to ignore it.. you know? I've wondered myself whether I have clinical depression. A lot of websites seem to think i have.. ha ha.

But, i'm not so sure. I mean, as far back as i can remember i've always been a thinker. I like that i'm a thinker. But i think sometimes it can expose you to sadness spurts. I don't know.. maybe your mind just gets overwhelmed with all the thinking and just thinks.. jeez, there's so much shit in the world. Ya know? But then maybe that only happens if you're a pessimist? Maybe if you're an optimist and a thinker, your mind goes into hyper-happiness spurts from all the thinking and puts you into overdrive.. thinking "jeez.. life is great!". Well, i'm an optimistic pessimist.

The only thing i will say though, about thinking too much.. is that it seems to have this weird side effect which i've been aware of for a while now.. and thats feeling quite detached from 'reality'. Its a horrible feeling. And apparently it is basically a result of thinking too much. Your mind gets tired and slows down giving you a bit of a dreamy experience of life. And the worst part is, the more you try to think and understand it, the worse it gets. So i'm screwed!

I don't know. This is who i am, you know? I like to think. I just wish i could write in a way that really describes my thoughts. I feel i have some interesting perspectives on life, hiding away. If only i could find a way to communicate them.

Anyway. long post. Not sure what else to write at the moment so i will leave it there.

I can't wait to sleep tonight.