Lately my social life has been suffering quite badly.. living with your parents in the middle of nowhere, hours from friends who work full-time is tough.. especially when you've spent a year travelling. I'm just so glad i have a car.. at least i can retain a tiny bit of independance with that.
So anyway.. i guess because of this my brain is in overdrive all the time. I feel overwhelmed by how much I don't know about the world... how nearly everyone i know has already started their career and knows what they want to do with their life... how most people seem to have strong views about general things.. or at least opinions... and they have interest in lots of random yet exciting things. Then i look at my life and just feel so overwhelmed by how different my life is. All i seem to know is music and design.. and even with design i feel out of the loop and passionless with now. So that leaves music.. but then i think, even with that.. i don't really know THAT much. Ask me about the history of music / bands in this country and i'd probably only have no idea as to what happened and what caused what movement in such and such era etc. And to be honest, i don't feel compelled to find out and read about it.. i feel like it would just go in one ear and out the other. What the hell sorta musician / music producer am i suppose to be if i can't even name the big names behind artists these days? And have no interest to find out?
Why do i love making music? I don't know, i just do. I can sit down with a guitar and have no problem with writing new pieces of music.. but when it comes down to lyrics.. i find it SO hard.. i just sit there and get so frustrated with myself because i don't understand why words can't flow as well as my guitar writing can. It slows the whole process right down. I'm not a big reader of poetry and to be honest a lot of it i don't understand.. unless it's metaphors or similies or a play on words.. i couldn't tell you why this or that is so beautiful. I wish i could. i don't know why, i've never been able to no matter how i hard i try.. it's like i was born without eyes or something. and so i'm left thinking, what the hell am i doing? How could i possibly have a career in this. But then i think about how i love it when i finally get something.. it feels amazing when i know i'm on to something good and can finally get to the stage where i start recording and making things sound good. And then of course when I get good feedback.. it's so rewarding. I see pictures of studios in magazines and get excited imagining how cool it would be to have my own studio and know so much more about recording.
But.. then i wonder if perhaps this is a dead end. Although i've recorded my own album, i've toured with a musician in America and recorded 2 albums with her.. and i still don't know if this is my calling. I love music.. but what part of it am i meant to choose? Musician? Engineer? Producer? Band? Songwriter? Film / TV Composer? Time is running out and i need to find out sooner rather than later. I'd love to be part of a band.. that would be awesome. But i don't want to waste time with something that isn't going to work you know? And because i've never been in a band before.. i know before i'd find the right band i'd have to go through several.. but by that time i could be in my 30s or it might be too late! And i want to be part of something big, something different.. something that will last for decades.
Ah dude.. i dunno. I go to bed every night thinking, right tomorrow.. i need to get up early and start learning something new. Start to figure things out. And every day is the same.. i try and get on with something and before i know it, the day has gone and i've got nowhere. I want to read more, i want to learn big new things and know everything about everything but instead everyday is filled with someone telling me something i dont know (usually my father..) because i don't watch TV.. making me feel so tiny and insignificant and naiive in this world. So i think.. right, all i need to do is start reading about things.. start building up this knowledge dictionary in my head.. but then i think about exactly how much information is out there and so i just sit there feeling like i just got hit by a train. It's impossible to know everything.. so you should choose what you're interested in.. obviously.. otherwise you're learning it for the wrong reasons and most likely won't really remember it. But then what the hell am i really interested in? All i ever do is waste time getting frustrated with music. I just want to be an interesting bloke to talk to, you know? The sorta guy people can learn from.
And i'm back to the start...
I dunno.. maybe this is what life is like when you're cooped up at home every day. Maybe this will all change when i move out in the new year. I bloody hope so.
Would like to read some thoughts on all this if anyone made it this far! :D
1 comment:
Here's my anonymous thought on this (it's still me though. yep, sorry.)
Dude, sometimes I think we are the same. I'm sort of in the same position. I didnt really go to college, and most of my friends will have their bachelor's degree in a year while I have nothing.
BUT. You and I have done other things (well you also have your degree though), we TRAVELLED.
Which most of our friends probably haven't done, and it's not at 40 when they'll have 4 monsters/kids that they'll be able to do it.
Even though what you've done (australia+USA) didnt give you any degree, I'm sure you've learned a lot, you probably changed, grew up (ok I;m not saying you were not mature before, but you know what I mean right), and have certainly a more open mind.
Who said your friends who now have a job are happy with their lives or really know what they want? Maybe they wish they had done the same as you, maybe they're bored with their jobs...
I love photography. I don't know why. I just do. I love the US, but can't explain why.
You don't have to justify yourself to everyone anyways. Sometimes you just can't put words on things.
History. I couldnt care less about history. Knowing that Clovis was the first king of France certainly didn't change my life.
Just stop worrying. Don't assume that other people are more happy than you are just because they have a job and have done everything the way it's supposed to be.
You don't have to justify yourself about liking music, you are not going to take a test about your music culture.
And why do you absolutely want to choose whether you should be a singer, songwriter, engineer...? I'm sure you can figure out a way to combine most of these "jobs".
You should start believing in yourself. But I have the same doubts as you and reading what you said made me realise it. having not been to college for a while, I was starting to worry about not having enough knowledge/falling behind. So what did I do? I bought a MCAT book (test americans take to enter medical school). But seriously, who's gonna listen to me talking about maths and biology?
You certainly have an opinion on things, and have I am sure lots to say. You've seen a lot more than most of your friends have.
Stop wasting your time thinking too hard and having doubts.
The road is long but you'll get there.
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